Chapter 4
My Name is Not Joe
After the operation Taylor’s throat felt soar and dry. Every time an ape past he would try to call for help. Every attempt failed miserably. Some even made fun of him by calling him names.
Today had been long, and Taylor had been sleeping almost the entire afternoon.
Today had been long, and Taylor had been sleeping almost the entire afternoon.
We enter today’s chapter with an ape hosing down the human cages.
Gorilla: Hahaha dork!
Taylor immediately knew that was the ape that shot him. Or gorillas just had something against him.
Gorilla (singing): Put the lime in the coconut and shake it all up!
Taylor heard horrible singing before, but never like this! He plugged his ears and blocked the harsh hose.
He was saved when Zira walked in the door. Zira was greeted by Julius, the human caretaker.
Julius: Good morning, Dr. Zira!
Zira: Good morning, Julius! How’s our patient today?
Julius: No change. The minute you open the door, he goes into his act.
Zira walks down the aisle and looks at all the humans. Every human has his or her hand out wanting food. She smiles at them and pulls out some sugar from her pocket.
Zira: Well, what do we want this morning? Do we want something? Speak! Come on, speak!
Zira hands one of the humans some sugar.
Zira: I gave you food, so speak!
(Silence)
Zira: I’m waiting
(Silence)
Zira: Oh! I get it! You need more sugar! Here you go old timer!
Zira gives him so many sugar cubes that Julius asked her to not feed him for the next month or he would be the second human to explode that week.
Zira: Speak! Speak! I AM LOSING PATIENCE! SPEAK OLD TIMER OR PAY!
Zira grabs the broom from the corner and starts smacking the stupid human. Julius grabs the broom and sets it down.
Julius: Dr. Zira, these humans are stupid. They can’t talk.
Zira: But you’re stupid and you can!
Julius looks agitated and picks up the broom to continue cleaning the floor. Zira continues to hand out sugar and ask the humans to speak.
Julius: You could get hurt doing that!
Zira: Don’t be silly. They all are perfectly tame.
Julius: They’re all tame until they take a chuck out of you.
Zira and Julius approach Taylor’s cage.
Zira: Oh my! He is trying to speak! Very cool! I am gonna call him Bright Tries cause all of his attempts to talk are smart. Look at that!
Julius: Yes, it’s just a man acting like an ape; nothing special.
Zira (talking to Taylor): Well, Bright Tries, is our throat feeling better?
Zira and Julius watch Taylor try to mouth out “Listen! Listen! I can speak!” Both apes think it is amusing and continue to watch him try to talk in pain.
Zira: Still hurts, doesn’t it?
Julius: See? He keeps pretending he can talk!
At this Taylor slaps his fists against the bar. Angrily he mouths: “I’m not pretending! I can talk!”
Zira franticly pulls out her notebook and begins to scribble.
Zira: This Bright Tries is remarkable!
Julius: You know what they say, human see, human do.
Zira: He keeps trying to form words. And he doesn’t even need a sugar cube!
Julius: Does that mean I can have his?
(Odd silence)
Zira: Don’t you have a floor to brush?
Julius: Finished.
Zira: Animal poo to clean?
Julius: Finished.
Zira: Things to dust?
Julius: Finished.
Zira: Any chores?
Julius: On my to-do list it says ‘Eat Sugar Cube’.
Zira stares at Julius until she sees Taylor gesture her to come near him.
Julius: Now what?
Zira: He seems to want something.
Zira nears Taylor and looks strait in his eyes.
Julius: I’d be careful, doctor.
Just then Taylor reaches out and grabs her notebook, sending Zira to slap against the cage. Zira screams and Julius jams the broom butt into Taylor’s stomach. Taylor lets go of the notebook and falls back.
Julius: What did I tell you!
Julius (to Taylor): Try that again, I’ll break your arm!
Zira draws back and looks at Taylor with big, surprised eyes.
Taylor, who is clearly frustrated, clenches his teeth and tries to talk again, but is stopped by the pain in this throat. Just then allof them turn to see Dr. Zaius at the gate.
Dr. Zauis is a very knowable orangutan and also he is just about everyone’s boss. He couldn’t care less about anyone but himself because he makes big bucks. So who cares about how much anyone else makes? As long as you are living large, be on top.
Julius: Good morning, Your Excellency!
Dr. Zaius: Open up!
Zira and Julius open the gate to let Dr. Zaius in. He looks around in disgust. Then Zira leads him to Taylor.
Zira: Dr. Zaius, I’m so glad you could come. He’s over here.
Taylor gives a confused look. A talking chimp, gorilla, and orangutan are staring right at him and calling him Bright Tries.
Zira: Bright Tries, show him! Do your trick!
Taylor cocks his head at her.
Zira: Speak! Go on! Speak again!
Julius (quiet and keeping his voice low so only Zira could hear): Maybe he needs a sugar cube…
Taylor (mouthing): Idiot.
Zira: There! Can you believe it! He called Julius an idiot!
Julius: He didn’t even talk.
Zira: He mouthed. Same thing!
Dr. Zaius: Yes, amusing, a man acting like an ape.
Taylor (mouthing in pain): I—can—talk—you—imbeciles!
Zira: Dr. Zaius, I can swear he’s answering you!
Taylor nods in agreement.
Dr. Zaius (in his most unmoved tone): He has a definite gift for mimicry.
Taylor, who is now very angry, must think of a way to win Zira’s trust so he can steal her notebook. Then he can write her a message saying to help him escape.
Zira: I wonder how he would score on FCAT?
Dr. Zaius (with much sarcasm): An animal?
Zira: Yeah!
Zira begins to move her fingers and think of something to ‘wow’ her boss. Taylor then tries to gesture her over near him for another ‘notebook stealing attempt’.
Zira: Look! He’s wiggling his fingers!
Dr. Zaius: Only because he saw you moving yours!
Zira: But perhaps he understood…
Taylor nodded franticly. Maybe Zira had a suspicion about him being intelligent. But he just needed her alone to take her notebook. No other apes, no broom, no Zaius.
Dr. Zaius: Man has no understanding! He can be taught a few simple tricks. Nothing more!
Zira: I beg to disagree. According to my experiments…
Dr. Zaius: A word to the wise, Dr. Zira. Experimental brain surgery on these stupid animals is one thing, and I’m all for it. But your behavioral studies are another matter entirely. To suggest that we can learn something about simian nature from a study of men, especially this moron, is nonsense. Besides, men are a nuisance. They outgrow their own food supply in the forest and migrate to our green belts and ravage our crops.
Julius: What’s next!? The humans might steal our sugar cubes!
Taylor looks at the apes. Dr. Zaius gives a menacing glance at Zira and Taylor. Zira looks disturbed at Julius’s remark and gives him a serious look.
Dr. Zaius: The sooner they are exterminated the better.
Then the disapproving ape leaves and slams the gate behind him. Zira gives a sad look at Taylor and in her eyes you can tell there are sympathy, sorrow, and disappointment. Just then some ape guards and Julius enter with the hottie.
Julius: Is this the one you wanted, doctor?
Zira: Yes, thank you.
Taylor turns and Zira has a big grin on her face.
Zira: Bright Tries, I’ve got a present for you.
Taylor’s eyes lit up. It wasn’t those stupid socks that he got each Christmas. Or it wasn’t a dumb sweater. Or a tiger (yeah, long story). It was the HOTTIE!
Zira (voice firm): Put her in with him!
The guards put the hottie in the cage and it was a long time until Taylor actually looked back at Zira with a smile of satisfaction.
Taylor was surprised he would get this close to her. Her brown eyes looked endless and her face looked confused. He wondered if she could talk. Zira giggled and Taylor smiled at her. He wanted company, and not an ape. When he looked back at the hottie, her primitive face let him know she was dumb. All of them were. They were like cave people. But it didn’t matter to Taylor. He had a friend, and that was what mattered to him most (besides Cheez-Itz and survival).
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The next scene is when Taylor and the hottie are in a bigger cage outside. It was that one special time that the humans were let outside to roam around. Most of the cave-people freaked Taylor out. Some were even bigger than him. The cage was guarded by lots of gorillas. Everywhere Taylor went, the hottie followed him. It was like follow the leader, except the hottie didn’t know when to stop. Since she looked oddly like Linda Harrison… Taylor named her Nova. Nova is like a shining star, and Linda Harrison was a big superstar. Nova fitted the hottie just fine.
Gorilla: Hahaha dork!
Taylor immediately knew that was the ape that shot him. Or gorillas just had something against him.
Gorilla (singing): Put the lime in the coconut and shake it all up!
Taylor heard horrible singing before, but never like this! He plugged his ears and blocked the harsh hose.
He was saved when Zira walked in the door. Zira was greeted by Julius, the human caretaker.
Julius: Good morning, Dr. Zira!
Zira: Good morning, Julius! How’s our patient today?
Julius: No change. The minute you open the door, he goes into his act.
Zira walks down the aisle and looks at all the humans. Every human has his or her hand out wanting food. She smiles at them and pulls out some sugar from her pocket.
Zira: Well, what do we want this morning? Do we want something? Speak! Come on, speak!
Zira hands one of the humans some sugar.
Zira: I gave you food, so speak!
(Silence)
Zira: I’m waiting
(Silence)
Zira: Oh! I get it! You need more sugar! Here you go old timer!
Zira gives him so many sugar cubes that Julius asked her to not feed him for the next month or he would be the second human to explode that week.
Zira: Speak! Speak! I AM LOSING PATIENCE! SPEAK OLD TIMER OR PAY!
Zira grabs the broom from the corner and starts smacking the stupid human. Julius grabs the broom and sets it down.
Julius: Dr. Zira, these humans are stupid. They can’t talk.
Zira: But you’re stupid and you can!
Julius looks agitated and picks up the broom to continue cleaning the floor. Zira continues to hand out sugar and ask the humans to speak.
Julius: You could get hurt doing that!
Zira: Don’t be silly. They all are perfectly tame.
Julius: They’re all tame until they take a chuck out of you.
Zira and Julius approach Taylor’s cage.
Zira: Oh my! He is trying to speak! Very cool! I am gonna call him Bright Tries cause all of his attempts to talk are smart. Look at that!
Julius: Yes, it’s just a man acting like an ape; nothing special.
Zira (talking to Taylor): Well, Bright Tries, is our throat feeling better?
Zira and Julius watch Taylor try to mouth out “Listen! Listen! I can speak!” Both apes think it is amusing and continue to watch him try to talk in pain.
Zira: Still hurts, doesn’t it?
Julius: See? He keeps pretending he can talk!
At this Taylor slaps his fists against the bar. Angrily he mouths: “I’m not pretending! I can talk!”
Zira franticly pulls out her notebook and begins to scribble.
Zira: This Bright Tries is remarkable!
Julius: You know what they say, human see, human do.
Zira: He keeps trying to form words. And he doesn’t even need a sugar cube!
Julius: Does that mean I can have his?
(Odd silence)
Zira: Don’t you have a floor to brush?
Julius: Finished.
Zira: Animal poo to clean?
Julius: Finished.
Zira: Things to dust?
Julius: Finished.
Zira: Any chores?
Julius: On my to-do list it says ‘Eat Sugar Cube’.
Zira stares at Julius until she sees Taylor gesture her to come near him.
Julius: Now what?
Zira: He seems to want something.
Zira nears Taylor and looks strait in his eyes.
Julius: I’d be careful, doctor.
Just then Taylor reaches out and grabs her notebook, sending Zira to slap against the cage. Zira screams and Julius jams the broom butt into Taylor’s stomach. Taylor lets go of the notebook and falls back.
Julius: What did I tell you!
Julius (to Taylor): Try that again, I’ll break your arm!
Zira draws back and looks at Taylor with big, surprised eyes.
Taylor, who is clearly frustrated, clenches his teeth and tries to talk again, but is stopped by the pain in this throat. Just then allof them turn to see Dr. Zaius at the gate.
Dr. Zauis is a very knowable orangutan and also he is just about everyone’s boss. He couldn’t care less about anyone but himself because he makes big bucks. So who cares about how much anyone else makes? As long as you are living large, be on top.
Julius: Good morning, Your Excellency!
Dr. Zaius: Open up!
Zira and Julius open the gate to let Dr. Zaius in. He looks around in disgust. Then Zira leads him to Taylor.
Zira: Dr. Zaius, I’m so glad you could come. He’s over here.
Taylor gives a confused look. A talking chimp, gorilla, and orangutan are staring right at him and calling him Bright Tries.
Zira: Bright Tries, show him! Do your trick!
Taylor cocks his head at her.
Zira: Speak! Go on! Speak again!
Julius (quiet and keeping his voice low so only Zira could hear): Maybe he needs a sugar cube…
Taylor (mouthing): Idiot.
Zira: There! Can you believe it! He called Julius an idiot!
Julius: He didn’t even talk.
Zira: He mouthed. Same thing!
Dr. Zaius: Yes, amusing, a man acting like an ape.
Taylor (mouthing in pain): I—can—talk—you—imbeciles!
Zira: Dr. Zaius, I can swear he’s answering you!
Taylor nods in agreement.
Dr. Zaius (in his most unmoved tone): He has a definite gift for mimicry.
Taylor, who is now very angry, must think of a way to win Zira’s trust so he can steal her notebook. Then he can write her a message saying to help him escape.
Zira: I wonder how he would score on FCAT?
Dr. Zaius (with much sarcasm): An animal?
Zira: Yeah!
Zira begins to move her fingers and think of something to ‘wow’ her boss. Taylor then tries to gesture her over near him for another ‘notebook stealing attempt’.
Zira: Look! He’s wiggling his fingers!
Dr. Zaius: Only because he saw you moving yours!
Zira: But perhaps he understood…
Taylor nodded franticly. Maybe Zira had a suspicion about him being intelligent. But he just needed her alone to take her notebook. No other apes, no broom, no Zaius.
Dr. Zaius: Man has no understanding! He can be taught a few simple tricks. Nothing more!
Zira: I beg to disagree. According to my experiments…
Dr. Zaius: A word to the wise, Dr. Zira. Experimental brain surgery on these stupid animals is one thing, and I’m all for it. But your behavioral studies are another matter entirely. To suggest that we can learn something about simian nature from a study of men, especially this moron, is nonsense. Besides, men are a nuisance. They outgrow their own food supply in the forest and migrate to our green belts and ravage our crops.
Julius: What’s next!? The humans might steal our sugar cubes!
Taylor looks at the apes. Dr. Zaius gives a menacing glance at Zira and Taylor. Zira looks disturbed at Julius’s remark and gives him a serious look.
Dr. Zaius: The sooner they are exterminated the better.
Then the disapproving ape leaves and slams the gate behind him. Zira gives a sad look at Taylor and in her eyes you can tell there are sympathy, sorrow, and disappointment. Just then some ape guards and Julius enter with the hottie.
Julius: Is this the one you wanted, doctor?
Zira: Yes, thank you.
Taylor turns and Zira has a big grin on her face.
Zira: Bright Tries, I’ve got a present for you.
Taylor’s eyes lit up. It wasn’t those stupid socks that he got each Christmas. Or it wasn’t a dumb sweater. Or a tiger (yeah, long story). It was the HOTTIE!
Zira (voice firm): Put her in with him!
The guards put the hottie in the cage and it was a long time until Taylor actually looked back at Zira with a smile of satisfaction.
Taylor was surprised he would get this close to her. Her brown eyes looked endless and her face looked confused. He wondered if she could talk. Zira giggled and Taylor smiled at her. He wanted company, and not an ape. When he looked back at the hottie, her primitive face let him know she was dumb. All of them were. They were like cave people. But it didn’t matter to Taylor. He had a friend, and that was what mattered to him most (besides Cheez-Itz and survival).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next scene is when Taylor and the hottie are in a bigger cage outside. It was that one special time that the humans were let outside to roam around. Most of the cave-people freaked Taylor out. Some were even bigger than him. The cage was guarded by lots of gorillas. Everywhere Taylor went, the hottie followed him. It was like follow the leader, except the hottie didn’t know when to stop. Since she looked oddly like Linda Harrison… Taylor named her Nova. Nova is like a shining star, and Linda Harrison was a big superstar. Nova fitted the hottie just fine.
Just then Zira and her fiancé Cornelius come up the steps to go to the human’s giant cage, or as the apes called it, The Human Playpen.
Cornelius: Do you have work tonight?
Zira (angrily): I always have work!
Cornelius: Do you have work tonight?
Zira (angrily): I always have work!
As they walk up Zira smiles at Cornelius and they kissed, but Zira kissed too hard, smacking her head against her fiancé and knocking him out.
After a good 15 minutes or so, he reached conscious and stood up.
Zira: I’m so sorry darling!
Cornelius (rubbing the big fat bruise on his forehead): That’s OK. But NOBODY should know of this… minor incident. All the guys at the club will laugh at me silly.
It was too late though because all of the humans were at the edge of the cage, leaning in on the conversation. One leaned in much too far and got her head stuck between the bars of the playpen, and couldn’t get it out.
Zira and Cornelius walked over to Taylor and Nova, (and Nova would not stop following Taylor!), and smiled.
Zira (pointing to Taylor): This is Bright Tries, the one I’ve been telling you about!
Cornelius: What’s so special about him?
Zira (tweaks Cornelius’s nose and giggles): Watch.
Zira: Hello Bright Tries! How’s our throat today?
After a good 15 minutes or so, he reached conscious and stood up.
Zira: I’m so sorry darling!
Cornelius (rubbing the big fat bruise on his forehead): That’s OK. But NOBODY should know of this… minor incident. All the guys at the club will laugh at me silly.
It was too late though because all of the humans were at the edge of the cage, leaning in on the conversation. One leaned in much too far and got her head stuck between the bars of the playpen, and couldn’t get it out.
Zira and Cornelius walked over to Taylor and Nova, (and Nova would not stop following Taylor!), and smiled.
Zira (pointing to Taylor): This is Bright Tries, the one I’ve been telling you about!
Cornelius: What’s so special about him?
Zira (tweaks Cornelius’s nose and giggles): Watch.
Zira: Hello Bright Tries! How’s our throat today?
Taylor (mouthing): It hurts like crazy! And why do I have to eat mash all the time! It tastes like manure!
Zira: He keeps trying to talk! He is so cool! Maybe I should call him parrot…
Cornelius: Or Joe!
(Silence)
Zira: I think I shall keep the name Bright Tries.
Taylor (mouthing): Thank you!
Taylor then hunches down over the sand and begins to write. Nosey Nova pokes his blood-stained bandage on his swollen neck, and then points to her veins.
Zira: Look! She remembers!
Cornelius (as if in a daze): Huh, what did you say?
Zira: Were you asleep?
Cornelius: No. I was watching that hot new-b Margret. She is so cute!
Zira: WHAT!!!
Cornelius: Just kidding…
Zira: GOOD!
Cornelius (in a whisper to himself): Not.
Cornelius: What were you saying sweetheart?
Zira: She remembers the blood transfusion!
Cornelius (in another daze): What? Something about pancakes?
Zira (angrily): Oh go fall in a hole!
Cornelius: If you say so!
Zira puts a steady and firm hand on her confused boyfriend’s shoulder.
Zira (sounding very tired): Just stop it. Please Cornelius, spare me your idiocy!
Cornelius: Ok…
Just then Dr. Zaius (and yes, that old bag again) comes towards them. Taylor franticly points to the message he has written that says “Cheez-Itz for the poor”.
Zira: Good morning Dr. Zauis! You know Cornelius, my fiancé.
Dr. Zauis: No.
Zira: He met you like, five times.
Dr. Zauis: Doesn’t ring a bell.
Cornelius (agitated): Oh come on!
Zira: He keeps trying to talk! He is so cool! Maybe I should call him parrot…
Cornelius: Or Joe!
(Silence)
Zira: I think I shall keep the name Bright Tries.
Taylor (mouthing): Thank you!
Taylor then hunches down over the sand and begins to write. Nosey Nova pokes his blood-stained bandage on his swollen neck, and then points to her veins.
Zira: Look! She remembers!
Cornelius (as if in a daze): Huh, what did you say?
Zira: Were you asleep?
Cornelius: No. I was watching that hot new-b Margret. She is so cute!
Zira: WHAT!!!
Cornelius: Just kidding…
Zira: GOOD!
Cornelius (in a whisper to himself): Not.
Cornelius: What were you saying sweetheart?
Zira: She remembers the blood transfusion!
Cornelius (in another daze): What? Something about pancakes?
Zira (angrily): Oh go fall in a hole!
Cornelius: If you say so!
Zira puts a steady and firm hand on her confused boyfriend’s shoulder.
Zira (sounding very tired): Just stop it. Please Cornelius, spare me your idiocy!
Cornelius: Ok…
Just then Dr. Zaius (and yes, that old bag again) comes towards them. Taylor franticly points to the message he has written that says “Cheez-Itz for the poor”.
Zira: Good morning Dr. Zauis! You know Cornelius, my fiancé.
Dr. Zauis: No.
Zira: He met you like, five times.
Dr. Zauis: Doesn’t ring a bell.
Cornelius (agitated): Oh come on!
Zira (clearing her throat): Well…
Cornelius: I am planning another expedition.
Dr. Zaius: Oh my bananas! Do you see that hottie? I think her name is Margret! I heard she has a friend named Amser. I am going to ask her out.
Cornelius: Way to go!
(Cornelius and Dr. Zauis high-five)
Zira: Boys!
Cornelius: Sorry.
Dr. Zaius: You will need my support if you go on that expedition. Just don’t bury your rep and…
Cornelius: I know where this is going Z-Man.
Dr. Zaius: Excuse me?
Cornelius (in a low murmur): Dr. Zaius is grote vette meany en ik haat hem!
Zira: What is that?
Cornelius: That is Dutch for…
Cornelius (in a whisper): Dr. Zaius is a big fat meany and I hate him…
Zira: Oh my!
Just then Nova begins to erase Taylor’s message. How would he get Cheez-Itz if she did that? So he pushes her and a big male begins to punch him and Taylor does some Three Stooges moves (slap, kick, make funny laugh noises..).
Dr. Zaius: Guards!
(Silence)
Dr. Zaius: Bob! Get your furry butt over here!
A giant ape gorilla runs over with a torch and burns Taylor.
Zira: Bob you knock it off!
Cornelius: Whack him good Bob!
Just then Zira looses all control. She starts screaming something in French not even I am going to write, and runs to the bars of the cage.
Zira: Stop it! You’ll hurt him! Take him inside!
Then Dr. Zaius and Bob walk away and laugh uncontrollably. Zira rushed inside with Taylor.
Now they are back in the cage room. Taylor resumes his everyday place.
Zira: I’m sorry! Bob can have his blonde moments, but he’s really a nice guy.
Julius: Is Taylor OK?
Zira: No. Do you have any Burt’s Bee’s lotion? It’s organic.
Taylor gives a terrified look. He hated anything organic.
Then Taylor slowly reaches towards Zira and grabs her notebook. Taylor screams a bit because Zira poked him in his eyes.
Zira: JULIUS!
Julius runs over and smacks Taylor silly until he is black and blue.
Julius: I told you what you’d get!
Zira: Julius it doesn’t matter! Don’t hurt him! Julius stop!
Zira is handed back her notebook and reads what Taylor has wrote. It says: My name is Taylor.
Then Taylor quickly grabbed the note and scratched it out and on the back he wrote: My name is not Joe.
Zira: Get me collar, leash, and chew toy. I’m taking him out of here.
Julius: He’s vicious doctor! He’s got rabies! He bit me yesterday!
Zira: Do as I say fool!
Julius runs to get the items Zira requested and Taylor comes closer to his bars.
Zira: You wouldn’t hurt me, would you, Taylor?
To be continued…
